Theology

HELL—According to sources, progressive souls who have been sent to Hell are pretty stoked after finding out that there's no climate change there. "Yeah, we're pretty proud of our environmental record," said Marvin Diabolos, temperature…

Satan Confirms Hell Is Just House Full Of Smoke Detectors But You Can Never Figure Out Which One Is Beeping HELL—Satan has confirmed that hell doesn't have any fire or torture or little devils poking you with pitchforks. Instead, the place…

Oh No! The First Question At The Gates Of Heaven Is 'Are You A Calvinist Or An Arminian?' GATES OF HEAVEN—Christians want to get to Heaven -- it’s supposed to be a pretty great place -- but as it turns out, it’s not as easy as getting a…

HEAVEN—In a positive step towards diversity, innumerable souls have been cast out of heaven and are now burning for eternity in the unfathomable chasms of Hell. This purging of souls into the scorching abyss came in accordance with…

Theologians Find Going To Church Via Zoom Will Only Get You Access To Heaven Via Zoom U.S.—Theologians around the country have finally come forward to publish their findings on church attendance over the internet. "Yes, faithful church…

HEAVEN—A gang of rogue Arminians has broken into God's throne room in order to protest the doctrine of election, sources confirmed Thursday. Hordes of the anti-Calvinist protesters stormed the gates of heaven before angels were forced to…

‘We Must Follow The Science!’ Screams Actor Who Believes Xenu Dumped Frozen Aliens Into Volcanoes And Exploded Them With Bombs 75,000,000 Years Ago LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked…

U.S.—A centuries-old theological debate was finally solved last night in a Facebook comments section, sources confirmed. The debate over the doctrine of election has raged since the New Testament was written, but it's finally over as two…

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis said today that God has informed him of a new requirement to enter Heaven: everyone must now receive the COVID-19 vaccine before entering the pearly gates. "This is very important for the salvation of…

HELL—In a bid to increase torture in the afterlife, managers of Hell confirmed today that Kamala Harris's grating cackle will be played over the loudspeakers in the place of perpetual torment for all eternity. "Effective immediately, we are…