Theology

HOUSTON, TX—According to sources at Lakewood Church, Joel Osteen was confused as Kanye West mentioned a strange name several times during his address to the congregation: "Jesus." Osteen tried to nod along as though he knew what he was…

U.S.—In a bid to make learning systematic theology more interesting, more seminaries are replacing long, dull systematic texts with more upbeat, catchy Shai Linne albums. Instead of taking quizzes, seminarians are being asked to come in and…

God Working On Backup Plan To Accomplish His Will Just In Case Trump Doesn't Get Reelected HEAVEN—According to sources close to the Almighty God, He's working on a backup plan to accomplish His eternal will just in case Trump doesn't get…

U.S.—As the only unbiased arbiter of truth in a world of fake news, Snopes continues to expand its selfless mission to fact-check all the things everywhere. Whether they’re calling out a popular satire site for being conspicuously hilarious…

Southern Baptist Softball League Implements ‘Once Safe, Always Safe’ Rule For Baserunners LOUISVILLE, KY—Church softball is an honored tradition that goes all the way back to the time of the patriarchs. In Louisville, the holy pastime is so…

U.S.—A new printing of the Unitarian Universalist hymnal just contains one song: John Lennon's "Imagine." The official UUA hymnal, titled Songs of Doubt, includes the popular song in a few dozen different arrangements and nothing…

AFTERLIFE—According to sources in the afterlife, local man Warren Peterson encountered his creator after dying this afternoon. Confronted by the infinite holiness of God, Peterson felt the guilt and shame of his sins washing over him,…

NEW YORK, NY—An all-new "Evidence for Atheism" exhibit opened at the Freedom from the Sky Fairy Museum was revealed to just be a large, empty warehouse during its opening weekend, sources confirmed Friday. "Over the past ten years,…

U.S.—President Trump's usually strong support among Baptists has finally come to an end after video emerged of him dancing. While he was also seen "getting handsy" with some women and hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein, Baptists didn't care…

HIDDEN GROVE, MS—Church leaders at Exclusive Grace Reformed Church confirmed Tuesday that they've designated special parking spots just for the elect, having converted the church's old "Visitor Parking" into the "more theologically…