Theology

Progressive Christian Hopes Heaven Will Feature Segregated Spaces For Every Tribe, Tongue, Nation MONTEREY, CA—Local progressive Christian Charlie Jenks was pondering the promise of Scripture that in the new heaven and the new earth there…

WORLD—In defiance of changing cultural norms, the Creator of the universe stubbornly announced his plans to stay the same forever, no matter what anyone says. "I am the same yesterday, today, and forever," The Almighty reportedly said…

'Greetings Thrillseekers, Music Lovers, Conversationalists All Across The Fruited Plains,' Booms Rush Limbaugh's Voice Across Heaven's PA System HEAVEN—According to sources, the EIB southern command has been officially moved to an…

HELL—According to sources, progressive souls who have been sent to Hell are pretty stoked after finding out that there's no climate change there. "Yeah, we're pretty proud of our environmental record," said Marvin Diabolos, temperature…

Satan Confirms Hell Is Just House Full Of Smoke Detectors But You Can Never Figure Out Which One Is Beeping HELL—Satan has confirmed that hell doesn't have any fire or torture or little devils poking you with pitchforks. Instead, the place…

Oh No! The First Question At The Gates Of Heaven Is 'Are You A Calvinist Or An Arminian?' GATES OF HEAVEN—Christians want to get to Heaven -- it’s supposed to be a pretty great place -- but as it turns out, it’s not as easy as getting a…

HEAVEN—In a positive step towards diversity, innumerable souls have been cast out of heaven and are now burning for eternity in the unfathomable chasms of Hell. This purging of souls into the scorching abyss came in accordance with…

Theologians Find Going To Church Via Zoom Will Only Get You Access To Heaven Via Zoom U.S.—Theologians around the country have finally come forward to publish their findings on church attendance over the internet. "Yes, faithful church…

HEAVEN—A gang of rogue Arminians has broken into God's throne room in order to protest the doctrine of election, sources confirmed Thursday. Hordes of the anti-Calvinist protesters stormed the gates of heaven before angels were forced to…

‘We Must Follow The Science!’ Screams Actor Who Believes Xenu Dumped Frozen Aliens Into Volcanoes And Exploded Them With Bombs 75,000,000 Years Ago LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked…