Theology

HELL—In a bid to increase torture in the afterlife, managers of Hell confirmed today that Kamala Harris's grating cackle will be played over the loudspeakers in the place of perpetual torment for all eternity. "Effective immediately, we are…

Embarrassed Pope Suddenly Realizes He's Been Reading The Bible Upside Down This Whole Time VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis has been criticized for getting his Catholic theology exactly backward on numerous social issues. But one cardinal noticed…

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to Patricia Lyles, a local woman who hates the concept of religion and thinks you are foolish to believe there is a God out there somewhere, she is still checking her horoscope to see how the stars…

U.S.—A lot of people don't believe in hell anymore, thinking the concept of a place of eternal torment is archaic. But one new study suggests people are much more likely to believe in the concept of hell after shopping at Walmart,…

Progressive Seminary Introduces New Apologetics Course Where You Learn To Apologize For Your Faith PORTLAND, OR—Feels Bible College and Seminary unveiled its new apologetics course this weekend, a grueling series of classes where you learn…

More Atheists Holding Regular Weekly Meetings To Discuss How Dumb Organized Religion Is U.S.—A new report suggests more atheists are holding regular weekly meetings to discuss how dumb organized religion is. The groups pick a day of the…

HOUSTON, TX—After much demand, Pastor Joel Osteen has released a systematic theology, but it's just a pop-up book. The book is called Your Best Theology Now! and promises that anyone can understand theology by flipping through its fun,…

HOUSTON, TX—According to sources at Lakewood Church, Joel Osteen was confused as Kanye West mentioned a strange name several times during his address to the congregation: "Jesus." Osteen tried to nod along as though he knew what he was…

U.S.—In a bid to make learning systematic theology more interesting, more seminaries are replacing long, dull systematic texts with more upbeat, catchy Shai Linne albums. Instead of taking quizzes, seminarians are being asked to come in and…

God Working On Backup Plan To Accomplish His Will Just In Case Trump Doesn't Get Reelected HEAVEN—According to sources close to the Almighty God, He's working on a backup plan to accomplish His eternal will just in case Trump doesn't get…