Theology

SAN DIEGO, CA—According to sources close to local Christian man Jim Leander, the husband and father quietly cursed Adam and Even while mowing the lawn over the weekend, blaming the couple for causing a curse to be placed on the ground and…

HELL—Representatives for hell confirmed Wednesday the place of eternal torment is now offering hot yoga. The hot yoga classes are said to be the "hottest in town," allowing unbelievers, atheists, and pagans to experience the Eastern…

U.S.—Scholars have long debated what the unforgivable sin is. Now one group of Bible experts says they've figured it out: it's whiteness. The scholars revealed their updated translation of Jesus's words in Mark 3: "Truly I tell you, people…

Man Still Clinging To Outdated Belief In Good, All-Powerful, Generous, Loving Government NEW YORK, NY—Local man Ricky Quintana has taken criticism for what some call his "archaic" and "outdated" beliefs. While most people have matured…

CLARKSBURG, WV—A confused copy of Joel Osteen's book The Power of I Am was unsure what it was doing in the Christian Living section of the book department at a local Walmart Supercenter, sources confirmed Wednesday. "I hardly ever…

HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High God confirmed Tuesday that the Lord is feeling "pretty confident" in his completed NCAA bracket this year. "God's pretty sure He's got this one in the bag," said an angelic messenger in…

In Controversial Tweet, J.K. Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Was Actually 5-Point Calvinist SCOTLAND—In a controversial tweet, author J.K. Rowling has confirmed that beloved character Harry Potter was actually a five-point Calvinist. While…

'Humanity Must Outgrow The Childish Idea Of God,' Says Man Wearing 'My Little Pony' T-Shirt CORVALLIS, OR—Local atheist activist and mall cell phone salesman Mick Delano theorizes that humanity evolved the idea of God and religion to help…

U.S.—An ecumenical church council convened this week has condemned the recent VeggieTales in the House and VeggieTales in the City redesigns as a false gospel, designed to deceive the masses and lead them astray from the true…

Devout Atheist Playing 'Minecraft' Patiently Waits For Complex Structures To Build Themselves AUBURN, WA—Myron Bassett, a thirty-seven-year-old devout atheist, says he has been playing the same continuous game of Minecraft for eight years.…