Theology

In Controversial Tweet, J.K. Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Was Actually 5-Point Calvinist SCOTLAND—In a controversial tweet, author J.K. Rowling has confirmed that beloved character Harry Potter was actually a five-point Calvinist. While…

'Humanity Must Outgrow The Childish Idea Of God,' Says Man Wearing 'My Little Pony' T-Shirt CORVALLIS, OR—Local atheist activist and mall cell phone salesman Mick Delano theorizes that humanity evolved the idea of God and religion to help…

U.S.—An ecumenical church council convened this week has condemned the recent VeggieTales in the House and VeggieTales in the City redesigns as a false gospel, designed to deceive the masses and lead them astray from the true…

Devout Atheist Playing 'Minecraft' Patiently Waits For Complex Structures To Build Themselves AUBURN, WA—Myron Bassett, a thirty-seven-year-old devout atheist, says he has been playing the same continuous game of Minecraft for eight years.…

DENVER, CO—Sovereign Grace First Reformed Church hosts a bingo night every few months to reach out to the surrounding community of seniors and provide a fun night for its own elderly church members. But it's not a typical bingo night.…

FRANKLIN, TN—Following the advice of popular self-help books by Rachel Hollis, local woman Brenda Jenkins decided she'd get up, wash her face, and stop apologizing, seizing the moment and living her life to the fullest. Unfortunately,…

MOBILE, AL—New LifeWay Christian Stores employee Aimee Bryer was tasked with rotating out last week's prophetic books and replacing them with a fresh, just-off-the-truck shipment, sources confirmed Friday. "You see how this one claims…

Atheist Requiring Evidence To Believe Anything Knows For Certain Trump Colluded With Russia CLIFTON, NJ—Local atheist man Michael Kent doesn't just take so-called "facts" at face value. A self-described skeptic, he demands evidence for…

New Calvinist Choose Your Own Adventure Book Lets You Select From One Possible Ending MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A new choose your own adventure novel penned by famed Calvinist John Piper promises to let you experience one of one exciting possible…

WORLD—Newly uncovered prophecy has revealed what has often been suspected: a big focus of Jesus’s second coming will be in finally validating all your political opinions and explaining to everyone else how wrong they are. “Every knee shall…