Theology

Benny Hinn Unveils Major Black Friday Deal: Will Fake Two Healings For The Price Of One DANA POINT, CA—Speaking on a seedy midday infomercial on Friday, faith healer Benny Hinn finally unveiled this year's major Black Friday deal from Benny…

ST LOUIS, MO—In an ecumenical council convened in St. Louis last week, the use of decaf coffee was condemned as rank heresy. The evangelical summit unanimously voted to define as heresy the "belief that decaf coffee is of any value, and…

God Unsure How He's Going To Accomplish His Eternal Purposes If Republicans Lose Congress HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High God issued Tuesday indicated that the Lord is unsure how He's going to accomplish His eternal…

HOUSTON, TX—A suspicious package mailed to Joel Osteen and intercepted by Lakewood Church security was found to contain a copy of the Christian Bible, sources confirmed Wednesday. "We noticed right away the package didn't feel right," said…

Brought to you by: SAN LEANDRO, CA—Local atheist man Michael Anderson purchased a Powerball ticket Monday evening, claiming "you just never know" if you might overcome the 1 in 300,000,000 odds to win the jackpot, though he's unwilling…

U.S.—A coalition of Reformed churches in America announced Friday a revised hymnal, including hundreds of classic hymns that have been newly edited to reflect a more Calvinistic view of God and salvation. “We took any hymn that talked about…

BRAINTREE, MA—During a brief prayer while leading worship at Tidal Wave Church Sunday morning, local worship leader Brian "Hatchback" Lancer managed to espouse no less than 47 different heresies, according to witnesses. "Father God, we just…

Taylor Swift Finally Breaks Theological Silence, Comes Out In Support Of Amillennialism NEW YORK, NY—Taylor Swift finally broke her long-standing unspoken rule of theological silence by coming out in support of amillennialism on her…

WORLD—A panel of climate change scientists from around the world issued updated prediction models Wednesday, confirming that global warming is expected to see a "dramatic and deadly" increase the moment Jesus Christ returns in glory.…