Theology

New Calvinist Choose Your Own Adventure Book Lets You Select From One Possible Ending MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A new choose your own adventure novel penned by famed Calvinist John Piper promises to let you experience one of one exciting possible…

WORLD—Newly uncovered prophecy has revealed what has often been suspected: a big focus of Jesus’s second coming will be in finally validating all your political opinions and explaining to everyone else how wrong they are. “Every knee shall…

Increasingly Secular Nation Replaces Outdated Religious Ideas With End Times Prophecies, Moral Judgments U.S.—The increasingly secular nation has replaced its outdated religious ideas with more advanced, enlightened ideas, like telling you…

U.S.—According to a recent report, the nation's atheists are still stubbornly refusing to admit the reality of God despite the fact that bacon clearly exists in our universe. Christians had anticipated that atheism would be eradicated as…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Mitt Romney, incoming senator for Utah and follower of Joseph Smith, lectured the nation in an op-ed Tuesday on the need to reject morally flawed leaders. The man who has devoted his life to the teachings of a con artist…

Local Calvinist Resolves To Do Whatever The Sovereign Lord's Eternal Decree Has In Store For Him This Year PALM BEACH, FL—After many hours of reflection, self-examination, prayer, and beer, local Calvinist man Michael Konyenbelt resolved…

GLENDALE, CA—A local mall Santa, played by David Carter, has been arrested after punching a shopper who offhandedly denied the divinity of Christ, sources at Westerfield Mall confirmed Tuesday. The man reportedly used the name of Christ in…

Progressive Theologians Release Line Of Mood Rings For Determining Doctrinal Truth U.S.—Just in time for the non-denominational holidays, a group of progressive theologians has announced a new line of mood rings that allow you to determine…

SAN DIEGO, CA—Local premillennialist man Bob Hartford is still driving a convertible with the top down every day, "just to be on the safe side," according to sources. The man drives his convertible with the top down everywhere he goes, no…

U.S.—After a popular CCM artist recently gave a vague answer when asked whether or not homosexuality is a sin, the nation's believers expressed their utter shock that someone in the Christian music industry doesn't have a strong,…