Theology

LEWIS CENTER, OH—After ordering lunch at a burger joint Monday, local Calvinist man Carl Edwards headed toward the soda fountain while happily whistling “This is My Father’s World” to himself. But he was stopped in the middle of the fifth…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has issued a warning to those using the nation’s public roadways of a new threat: a Salt Lake City-based Mormon bicycle gang dubbed the “Heck’s Angels.” The band of…

U.S.—In an exciting, biblically faithful new episode of the Netflix series The Magic School Bus Rides Again, Ms. Frizzle attempts to pilot the eponymous enchanted educational transport vehicle back in time 13.8 billion years to show the…

SAO PAULO, BRAZIL—Bryce Miller, 18, is serving his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Brazil, and the Church Elder has a special petition for the Lord: that God would give him his very first bit of peach fuzz.…

HOUSTON, TX—Ahead of each broadcast of his inspiring messages, prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen now reminds his viewers that the opinions he expresses are his own and do not reflect those of Jesus Christ or the Bible in any way. The…

HEAVEN—Through a publicist, the Lord Most High confirmed Thursday that He still has no plans to retire as the righteous Judge of the universe, despite the calls from condemned sinners everywhere for someone a little more “easygoing” to…

PHOENIX, AZ—Local charismatic believer Bryan Potter declared Thursday on his Facebook page that he believes that all the gifts of the Holy Spirit have continued from New Testament times on into today, with the lone exception of the gift of…

DESTREHAN, LA—In a public appearance with the prosperity gospel televangelist Tuesday, Lucifer the Prince of Darkness committed to matching all donations dollar for dollar that disciples of Jesse Duplantis make for his new private luxury…

VATICAN CITY—In an honest, impromptu homily delivered Monday, Pope Francis admitted he is just making most of his theology up as he goes, ignoring thousands of years of official Church doctrine in favor of “whatever pops into my head at…

PETERBOROUGH, NH—In a major scandal, Episcopal priest Frederick Willumsberth was forced to resign from his position after confessing to believing in a “higher power” in a statement released Friday. The shocking revelation came after months…