Theology

U.S.—The nation's prosperity gospel preachers announced today they are enjoying their favorite holiday of the year: "Taking Tuesday," in which they get to cajole their followers into giving them even more of their money. Prosperity…

ATLANTA, GA—Local theologically progressive Christian Mandy Barton remarked Tuesday that she really wishes Jesus of Nazareth were as woke as she is. Barton lamented that Jesus didn't use His platform for more virtue signalling and faux…

Benny Hinn Unveils Major Black Friday Deal: Will Fake Two Healings For The Price Of One DANA POINT, CA—Speaking on a seedy midday infomercial on Friday, faith healer Benny Hinn finally unveiled this year's major Black Friday deal from Benny…

ST LOUIS, MO—In an ecumenical council convened in St. Louis last week, the use of decaf coffee was condemned as rank heresy. The evangelical summit unanimously voted to define as heresy the "belief that decaf coffee is of any value, and…

God Unsure How He's Going To Accomplish His Eternal Purposes If Republicans Lose Congress HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High God issued Tuesday indicated that the Lord is unsure how He's going to accomplish His eternal…

HOUSTON, TX—A suspicious package mailed to Joel Osteen and intercepted by Lakewood Church security was found to contain a copy of the Christian Bible, sources confirmed Wednesday. "We noticed right away the package didn't feel right," said…

Brought to you by: SAN LEANDRO, CA—Local atheist man Michael Anderson purchased a Powerball ticket Monday evening, claiming "you just never know" if you might overcome the 1 in 300,000,000 odds to win the jackpot, though he's unwilling…

U.S.—A coalition of Reformed churches in America announced Friday a revised hymnal, including hundreds of classic hymns that have been newly edited to reflect a more Calvinistic view of God and salvation. “We took any hymn that talked about…

BRAINTREE, MA—During a brief prayer while leading worship at Tidal Wave Church Sunday morning, local worship leader Brian "Hatchback" Lancer managed to espouse no less than 47 different heresies, according to witnesses. "Father God, we just…