Theology

DESTREHAN, LA—In a public appearance with the prosperity gospel televangelist Tuesday, Lucifer the Prince of Darkness committed to matching all donations dollar for dollar that disciples of Jesse Duplantis make for his new private luxury…

VATICAN CITY—In an honest, impromptu homily delivered Monday, Pope Francis admitted he is just making most of his theology up as he goes, ignoring thousands of years of official Church doctrine in favor of “whatever pops into my head at…

PETERBOROUGH, NH—In a major scandal, Episcopal priest Frederick Willumsberth was forced to resign from his position after confessing to believing in a “higher power” in a statement released Friday. The shocking revelation came after months…

EL PASO, TX—After the internet became deeply divided over an audio clip that sounds as though it says either “Yanny” or “Laurel” depending on the listener, one Calvinist commentator came forward to declare that only the elect can hear…

ATLANTA, GA—After yet another “confusing at best” statement by popular preacher and author Andy Stanley, the pastor checked himself into a local theological rehab center Wednesday. Stanley voluntarily enrolled in a six-month rehabilitation…

SAN ANTONIO, TX—In an effort to expand his following among 2-to-4-year-olds, prophecy expert and pastor John Hagee released his first children’s book Friday, the much-anticipated Goodnight Blood Moon. The book will convey Hagee’s patented…

RICHMOND, VA—Jonathan Perry’s friends and family labored for weeks to surprise him for his 30th birthday Wednesday evening, and prepared to leap out and ambush him with a surprise party when he walked in the door that night. Unfortunately…

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—On an online discussion board Wednesday morning, up-and-coming theological prodigy Bradley Jensen excitedly created a new thread to point out his recent discovery of the remarkable similarities between CS Lewis’s…

SUN VALLEY, CA—In a move ostensibly to support interdenominational cooperation, John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church staff gifted a large, impressive wooden pulpit with a giant bow on top to nearby charismatic congregation Azusa Water…

TAMPA, FL—While visiting his parents’ church over the weekend, local Calvinist Maurice Johnson reportedly came forward for the altar call in order to bluntly confront the pastor for his “obviously Arminian” stance on salvation. As the…