Theology

HEAVEN — A terrifying new report has sent shockwaves throughout the Christian community, as rumors swirled that people who skim through the genealogies in their Bible reading will be barred from entering Heaven."This is devastating news,"…

GIBEAH — Servants at the royal palace were startled late last night by angry screams as King Saul flew into a rage after David, the young man brought in to calm him down by playing the harp, would not stop playing the opening riff from Deep…

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Prominent theologians speculated the world may be on the cusp of a new outpouring of the Holy Spirit after President Joe Biden and Senator John Fetterman began speaking in unknown languages and tongues of fire came to…

Every year, Southern Baptist life centers briefly around the annual convention. As I noted in a previous “Baptist insider” article for The Federalist, the denomination technically only exists for the two days of this convention. As such,…

MESOPOTAMIA — Recently discovered evidence has led biblical scholars to believe Noah made the mistake of washing his ark the day before it began raining. This new understanding has given researchers reason to think the flood itself may have…

TORONTO — Despite staggering intellect and deep study of God's Word, psychologist/professor/author/speaker/room-cleaning enthusiast Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has resolved to stubbornly consider every possible tangential meaning of Bible…

EGYPT — Despite his success in interpreting previous dreams regarding an upcoming famine in the land, sources say Joseph is unsure about what to tell Pharaoh about his dream where he's standing in front of everyone in his underwear and…

PATMOS — Owners of a local resort were left discouraged after John the Apostle left their establishment a decidedly negative 1-star review following his stay. The owners had hoped to generate some valuable word-of-mouth buzz after the…

HEAVEN — Sources from the Almighty have confirmed that like everything else for the Orthodox, the rapture will also take place one week after the regular rapture."It's only fair," said the angel Gabriel. "Hoo-boy, you're going to be nervous…

What did you do to earn God's mercy? That's right — NOTHING! Nada, zero, zilch. The Babylon Bee theologians have compiled a complete list of all zero of the things you did to merit the forgiveness of your sins.Look upon this vast…