Theology

HEAVEN — Sources from the Almighty have confirmed that like everything else for the Orthodox, the rapture will also take place one week after the regular rapture."It's only fair," said the angel Gabriel. "Hoo-boy, you're going to be nervous…

What did you do to earn God's mercy? That's right — NOTHING! Nada, zero, zilch. The Babylon Bee theologians have compiled a complete list of all zero of the things you did to merit the forgiveness of your sins.Look upon this vast…

Due to quality control issues, Saint Peter's questionnaire at the Pearly Gates has gotten stricter. Still think you can get into heaven with all your terrible opinions? Check out this list and find out! Pineapple on pizza is delicious: Nice…

JORDAN — In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis."This is the site of one of the…

Things were pretty good in the Garden of Eden, but then Adam and Eve had to ruin it by eating from the one tree God explicitly told them not to touch. Ugh! Now sin has entered the world and man has fallen from grace — and we didn't even get…

MT SINAI — After being freed from slavery by the God of Abraham, witnessing 10 terrible plagues against Pharaoh, and walking across the Red Sea on dry ground to escape from Egypt's army, Kemuel son of Bahram, of the tribe of Benjamin, is…

LONDON — Eve has once again come in last in a global poll for Most Popular Women in History. Comments left by those polled again cited Eve's instigation of the downfall of the human race as a whole as the main reason for her low…

NEW JERUSALEM — Reports coming down from on high confirm Heaven will feature a fully stocked Buc-ee's convenience store and gas station. Saints will be able to fill up on delicious Beaver Nuggets and brisket sandwiches before evacuating…

It’s been more than a year since Dr. Greg Schulz was suspended from Concordia University Wisconsin for publicly objecting to its board of regents inserting racial prejudices into its criteria for a new president. Interim president Dr.…

“He Gets Us” is spending upwards of a billion dollars on an advertising campaign to expose millions of people, including those who tuned in to the 2023 Super Bowl, to Jesus. But its attempt to win over the world with a modernized version of…