Theology

JERUSALEM—Religious experts have begun voicing concerns that a local carpenter’s disinformation is spreading among Israelites most susceptible to unapproved ideas. “Visit your nearest synagogue for the latest information on how to obey God.…

ARRIVALS GATE, HEAVEN—At a press conference this week, angelic Chief of Staff Gabriel Angelino confirmed that new arrivals into heaven will receive complimentary cheddar bay biscuits, Red-Lobster style, before continuing in to receive their…

HELL—After one of the biggest, most significant victories of his career, Satan the Prince of Darkness released a statement today touting his accomplishment of defeating the Son of God on the cross on Friday afternoon. The statement was…

HELL, MI—Local toddler Jonah Bardem nearly died Friday morning after attempting to eat all the marbles. According to sources, the child's guardian angel has grown increasingly frustrated with the hyper youth and wishes the kid would…

MT. CARMEL—Israel is repenting today after the prophet Elijah showed them the power of Yahweh and exposed the 450 prophets of Baal as frauds who believe in a false god. Still, several leaders throughout Israel have criticized the…

Oops! Looks like you've been condemned. You really shouldn't have read those Harry Potter books. We warned you those were bad news. Hell is full of terribly unspeakable punishments, but here are the most brutal:1) You get a cell phone…

WEST OF EDEN—A double-blind study conducted by angel scientists has confirmed that 100% of men would eat any fruit given to them by a naked woman. The study seems to suggest that the fall of Adam and Eve was unavoidable. "Our results…

JERUSALEM—Historians have discovered new evidence that when God provided miraculous bread to feed the Israelites in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt, Israelite children refused to eat the manna until their moms had carefully…

HEAVEN—The Almighty posted His Wordle score in the heavens once again this morning, racking up his 230th perfect guess in a row. God guessed the word in just one attempt again, a feat mathematicians are calling "a statistical impossibility…

LEAMINGTON, UT—Decades of living a life full of faith in a loving and just God quickly crumbled into oblivion for local Christian, Gavin Smith, after he received the wrong order from the Chick-fil-A drive-thru attendant. “Looking into…