Tim Hortons

TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers of Tim Hortons’ new play, “The Last Timbit,”…

TORONTO—In a stunning twist to the feud between the two hip-hop artists, Drake reportedly dropped a new track Monday inviting Kendrick Lamar out to coffee so they could clear things up. “The truth is, Kendrick, I think you’re a sweetie /…

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QUEEN’S PARK – As Premier Doug Ford announces that he will expand surgeries available at for-profit clinics, insiders report he is still deciding which megacorporation to eventually sell Ontario’s entire healthcare system to. “Folks, I…

TORONTO – Recipe Unlimited Corporation, the owners of Swiss Chalet, have announced a collaboration with sex accessories corporation Durex that will finally see the release of Chalet Sauce flavoured lube. “A good flavoured lube can spice up…

TORONTO – Hockey Canada’s CEO and board of directors have resigned and finally acknowledged the true victims of a long ordeal that has damaged the sport’s reputation – its corporate sponsors. “I would like to profoundly apologize to Bauer,…

TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputable institution than Hockey Canada. “Tim Hortons…

TORONTO – For years Connor McDavid has been seen as the fastest force in hockey but now insiders are wondering whether he has been bested by a new competitor: the sponsors getting away from Hockey Canada as quickly as possible. “Connor…

OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classic café fare, such as coffee and doughnuts.…