types of food

TAOS, NM—Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday.…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they finally had enough space and couldn’t wait any longer, the nation’s white women announced Tuesday that they had an insatiable urge to have chickens in the backyard. “For the past few years, we’ve dreamed…

HINSDALE, IL—Barely audible through their snack-cake-stuffed cheeks, members of the American Nutrition Association said fuck it Wednesday after discovering Little Debbie desserts. “Oh my God, forget everything I said about ultra-processed…

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WASHINGTON—Testifying before a House Oversight subcommittee about a truth long withheld from the American public, whisteblower and former Food and Drug Administration official Ron Freeley confirmed the existence of vegetables Thursday.…