U.S.

With the whole nation abuzz with President Trump's proposal to reopen and expand Alcatraz, it's worth asking who, exactly, would be vile and dangerous enough to be imprisoned there.The Babylon Bee has been given the following list of…

U.S. — A new era of dealing with depraved lawbreakers dawned today, as President Donald Trump vowed to reopen and expand Alcatraz by putting up a fence around the entire city of San Francisco.The new plan, which administration insiders…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of firing long-time White House lawn guy Juarez Stevenson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio scored yet another position today, with Trump naming Rubio interim Lawn Guy.Trump reportedly tapped Rubio to take care…

U.S. — Democrats have updated the famous "New Colossus" poem on the Statue of Liberty to simply read, "Give us your wife beaters."The change is intended to clarify that in lieu of huddled masses yearning to be free, Democrats prefer to…

HYATTSVILLE, MD — Any goodwill extended toward a controversially deported El Salvadorian man took a hit this week due to a case of bad timing, as Kilmar Abrego Garcia was honored with MS-13's "Employee of the Month" award.The awkward…

U.S. — Members of the judiciary were revealed to be sporting a new look, as President Donald Trump issued new striped robes to be worn by federal judges.The President said the change from the traditional black judge's robes to black and…

MILWAUKEE, WI — While being questioned by authorities following her arrest, FBI agents discovered 17 more illegal aliens hiding in the back of County Circuit Judge Hannah Dugan's robes."Oh, that's — that's weird," Agent Damon Chandler was…

U.S. — As audio clips of another round of oral arguments made their way across social media, results of a new poll revealed that support continued to grow for requiring Supreme Court justices to pass cognitive tests in order to…

U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."The food…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the first time in history, the United States Supreme Court has five female justices.The five female justices — Elena Kagan, Sonia…