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NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down with the placenta, man—some of…

AUGUSTA, GA—Lamenting how painfully obvious it was in retrospect, local man Aaron Thompson told reporters Friday he was kicking himself after thinking of the perfect gun he could have used to win an argument. “God, I feel so dumb, I just…

PORTLAND, ME—Irked by what he described as unprofessional behavior, local man Cory Morales reportedly gave his UberEats driver a three-star rating Friday for having to pry his order out of the delivery worker’s dead frozen hands. “I…

CHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his…

WASHINGTON—Waking up the morning after she repeatedly shouted at President Biden during his State of the Union address, an anxious Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) reportedly wondered Wednesday if she had talked too much the night before.…

WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the…

FORT MYERS, FL—Unable to make their way through the hardened, sunburnt exterior, flesh-eating bacteria Vibrio vulnificus reportedly struggled Friday to chew through leathery Florida residents. “Oh God, I can’t even necrotize this person’s…

Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in protest of a new Georgia law that has raised concerns about its potential to disproportionately disenfranchise minority voters. What do you think?“Ugh,…