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WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans don’t trust Donald Trump or Joe Biden to watch their stuff while they are in the bathroom. “Our survey of over 10,000 likely voters…

WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted…

President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he’ll run for reelection in 2024 despite consistently low approval ratings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of the president running for reelection.God Fact: Did You Know?OffEnglishPROSets…

WILMINGTON, DE—Describing how she had hit the ground running in managing the incumbent’s 2024 bid, President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez said Wednesday that her job mainly involved figuring out who exactly the…

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Monday by Gallup, a majority of Americans stated they would respect President Joe Biden more if he shot them. “We found that Biden’s favorability among Americans on all ends of the…

WASHINGTON—Addressing members of the press corps with breathy coos and flirty air-kisses, a coy President Joe Biden reportedly appeared nude behind a folding fan Friday, presumably to tease a 2024 reelection campaign. “Run for president?…

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema recently left the Democratic Party to become an independent, further jeopardizing the Democrats’ razor-thin majority and joining other politicians who have switched parties or joined third parties, whether for a…

Tennessee Republicans expelled two Black freshman lawmakers for their participation in a gun control protest yet declined to remove a third Democratic lawmaker, who is white and who participated in the same demonstration on the state House…

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PALM BEACH, FL—Addressing his most ardent supporters mere hours after his arrest on 34 counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump spent his prime-time speech Tuesday raving about Mar-a-Lago’s sea bass special.…