unitedstates

NEW YORK—Paying out of pocket to print his reaction to a highly publicized court case in four area newspapers, former President Donald Trump took out full-page ads Tuesday calling for New York to reinstate capital punishment and sentence…

WASHINGTON—After watching from the stands Sunday as Louisiana State University defeated the University of Iowa in the NCAA women’s basketball championship, first lady Jill Biden announced that she would invite all women who had ever touched…

PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long…

WASHINGTON—In a heartwarming and touching end to the story of two soulmates, sources confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump died two minutes apart holding hands. “Only minutes before their deaths, they…

WASHINGTON—Smiling coyly as entrées were set on the table for the first family Monday night, President Biden is said to have casually mentioned to White House executive chef Cristeta Comerford that it was his birthday in an attempt to scam…

Former President Donald Trump is facing a potential indictment by the Manhattan district attorney over alleged hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, setting off a national firestorm of controversy. The Onion tells you…

Start SlideshowAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext Slide2 / 25The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is kind of our friend, so watch what you say in this interview because we will tell him.”The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is…

LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and…

SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No…