unitedstates

PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way…

SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals.…

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People…

Biden’s second State of the Union has already generated a fair share of controversy, covering hot-button issues like inflation, police brutality, and rising tensions with China. The Onion asked Republicans what they thought of the address,…

WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home…

President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their brain sometime. “I’ve always been…

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WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen.…