Vol 60: Issue 34

Actress and singer Jennifer Lopez filed for divorce from her husband, Ben Affleck, after tying the knot more than two years ago, marking the second time the couple have called it quits after being engaged in the early 2000s. What do you…

With the Democratic National Convention complete and election day drawing closer, Donald Trump and his supporters have stepped up their attacks on opponent Kamala Harris. The Onion fact-checks Republicans’ claims about the…

About 20% of Sweden’s brown bear population could be killed this hunting season after licenses were issued for 486 of the animals to culled, despite an outcry from conservation groups. What do you think? “We should let the bears…

WICHITA, KS—In a judgmental appraisal of her daughter’s parenting techniques only moments after she gave birth, an area grandmother hamster was reportedly overly critical Friday of the way her daughter ate her babies. “Oh,…

WASHINGTON—Given little choice but to deploy the safety measure, stranded NASA astronauts were forced to take an emergency slide back to earth, sources confirmed Friday. “After realizing that a mechanical failure had made it impossible to…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Boasting new safety features that have drastically cut down on patient fatalities, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled an improved prosthetic hand this week that only chokes its owner 63% of the…

CHICAGO—Circling around the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot as the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic National Convention reportedly set a massive wooden donkey ablaze outside the United Center Thursday to ensure four…

CHICAGO—Struggling to hold his phone steady while his wife spoke at the Democratic National Convention, second gentleman Doug Emhoff reportedly sent a blurry picture of Vice President Kamala Harris on stage Tuesday to his family group chat.…

With Chicago playing host to the Democratic National Convention, Mayor Brandon Johnson is in the national spotlight. The Onion sat down with the progressive to discuss the DNC, tourism, and his first year in office. The…

CHICAGO—Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they’d heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders were reportedly unsure Monday how to process newfound praise…