Vol 60: Issue 34

NEW YORK—In an approach made with parted, tongue-moistened lips and very little warning, a big open mouth was reportedly headed straight for local woman Sylvia Escolero’s face Thursday, saying she was so beautiful and it wanted to kiss her.…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting the rapid increase among assholes who just don’t know when to quit it, an alarming report published Thursday by the University of Michigan found that the nation’s fuckers now have 83% more nerve. “Based on our data, we…

CHICAGO—Informing the crowd at the Democratic National Convention that he had come from a distant and unimaginable realm ruled by robotic beings, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz unveiled a new retro-futurist persona this week…

Tim Walz Writes ‘Great Job’ On Supporter’s Baby - The Onion Share Published: August 21, 2024 Advertising Explore Tags Related Coverage…

Inside The DNC’s Convention Center - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card…

A few thousand protesters marched toward the site of the Democratic National Convention to voice their opposition to the war in Gaza, with activists hoping to amplify their progressive message before the nation’s top Democratic leaders.…

BALTIMORE—Crossing his arms in frustration at the humiliating requirement, Danny Combes, a local man who had chicken wings for dinner at Shannon’s Pub and Grille, was forced to sit on a large beach towel for the whole car ride home, sources…

PITTSBURGH—Citing the 87-year-old’s allegations that Prussian immigrants were destroying the fabric of his neighborhood and responsible for all the crime in town, a local family reported Wednesday that their grandfather Steve Bierko…

VIRGO SUPERCLUSTER—Cursing with frustration at the unforeseen inconvenience, 8 billion residents of Earth told reporters Wednesday that the planet had been towed and impounded after being illegally parked in the Milky Way. “Oh goddammit,…

CHICAGO—In a deliberate counter-programming effort aimed at one of the biggest weeks of the 2024 election, former President Donald Trump reportedly hoped to disrupt the Democratic National Convention news cycle Tuesday by eating a live rat…