Vol 60: Issue 35

A 4-year-old boy accidentally smashed a Bronze Age jar at an archeological museum in Haifa, Israel, with the 3,500-year-old ancient artifact having been displayed without a glass case near the institution’s entrance at the time of the…

PITTSBURGH—Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the nationwide listeria outbreak to eat deli meat as if nothing had…

BALTIMORE—Threatening significant legal consequences if the campaign failed to heed its warnings, the Francis Scott Key estate sent a cease-and-desist letter to Donald Trump on Friday that demanded he discontinue use of “The Star-Spangled…

Special counsel Jack Smith filed another indictment against former President Donald Trump in the federal election interference case, weeks after the Supreme Court granted the former president broad immunity from criminal prosecution. What…

Chappell Roan: We Hid In The Alley Behind Her Hotel, Knocked Out A Concierge On His Smoke Break, Stole His Uniform, Used It To Sneak Into The Kitchen, And Hid Inside Her Room Service Trolley, And She Was A…

WASHINGTON—Caught red-handed after a night on the town with a car he had been trying to keep secret, Pete Buttigieg attempted to sneak into his D.C. apartment at approximately 12:30 a.m. Friday, according to sources close to the…

ARLINGTON, TX—After engaging a trip wire when they reached the doors of the medical facility, dozens of pregnant women remained hanging in a snare net above the entrance to Texas Health Arlington Memorial Hospital, sources confirmed Friday.…

With the loneliness epidemic impacting millions of Americans, book clubs offer a simple and structured way for readers of all ages to socialize. The Onion shares tips for starting your own book club. Seek out fellow readers…

With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala Harris. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss her political career, her…

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the terrible course conditions he encountered while visiting the military burial site, Donald Trump called out Arlington National Cemetery on Thursday for its hazard-filled fairways. “I’ve played at amazing golf courses…