Vol 60: Issue 35

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Admitting that he had heard the phrase before but was unclear as to its exact meaning, local husband Brad Moff, 35, reportedly asked his wife Thursday if an ectopic pregnancy was a good thing. “Wait, so does that mean…

Therapist Takes Big Swing Calling Client’s Ex A Bitch - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In…

The mosquito-borne virus eastern equine encephalitis, also known as triple E, has led to voluntary lockdowns in multiple Massachusetts towns. The Onion answers all the important questions you have regarding the potentially…

CHICAGO—Confirming the impressive but limited scope of the birds’ cognitive abilities, a study published Thursday by the University of Chicago found that crows were intelligent enough to steal trinkets, but foolish enough to think that…

Scientists at the University of California at Davis are attempting to reengineer the microbes in cows’ stomachs to produce less methane, which is a potent greenhouse gas released by the animals that contributes about 4% of global warming.…

Afghanistan’s Taliban rulers have issued a ban on women’s voices in public under new orders approved by the Supreme Leader as part of fundamentalist efforts to combat vice and promote virtue, empowering the ministry to administer…

NORWOOD, OH—Kicking herself as the words “1 free article(s) remaining” hovered at the bottom of her screen, local woman Margaret Cross stated Wednesday that she had wasted a free monthly Cincinnati.com article on a story about a high school…

WASHINGTON—Publishing their work in the peer-reviewed journal Passive-Aggression, Georgetown University researchers released a catty new study Wednesday that found the majority of Americans must lack access to reliable mirrors. “After…

Sabrina Carpenter, the artist behind summer hits “Espresso” and “Please Please Please,” recently released her highly anticipated sixth studio album, Short n’ Sweet, to critical acclaim. The Onion shares what…

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Expanding its offerings beyond traditional vapes, Juul Labs announced Tuesday it had begun selling e-solvents, a new product it would market toward huffers. “With Juul’s new e-solvents, hanging out with your other huffer…