Vol 60: Issue 36

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. “This unit of elite K-9 officers has been…

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she’d given to each of her miscarriages.…

Taylor Swift came out in support of Vice President Kamala Harris in the race for president, ending speculation about whether the superstar singer would share her political views ahead of November’s election. What do you think?…

CHICAGO—In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied “STOP” Thursday to a political fundraiser text like a powerful wizard casting a…

CINCINNATI—Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it would begin selling a small silver bell for summoning a butler to deal…

In celebration of the series’s 25th anniversary, HBO has released Wise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew. The…

Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres demanded an end to the hostilities and offered U.N. support for any ceasefire. What do you…

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids’ meals Wednesday for adult women with eating disorders. “For years, our gaunt customers have been telling us they love the…

NEW YORK—Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation’s baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single…

EVERYWHERE—Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn’t see the animals. “Where is it? Where is it? I can’t see!” said 6-year-old Oliver…