Vol 60: Issue 36

PHILADELPHIA—Deflecting moderators’ efforts to pin down his policy positions during Tuesday’s presidential debate, Donald Trump reportedly avoided difficult questions throughout the evening by pretending he had just taken another bullet to…

WASHINGTON—Noting a distinct lack of energy and focus from the incumbent, Democratic Party officials were reportedly alarmed Tuesday by President Joe Biden’s poor performance as a debate viewer. “Confidence is waning among party leaders…

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to throw his Democratic opponent off balance, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly attempted to rattle Kamala Harris during Tuesday evening’s debate by turning his eyelids inside out. “Kamala,…

PHILADELPHIA—Pointing proudly while his wife took the lectern at the presidential debate, Doug Emhoff reportedly asked “So, which one’s yours?” while trying to make small talk with former first lady Melania Trump backstage. “It’s so nice to…

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, a lifelong Republican, announced he will vote for Kamala Harris for president, claiming that, “In our nation’s 248-year history, there has never been an individual who is a greater threat to our republic…

PHILADELPHIA—Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing with a side of beef. “You’re a terrible side of…

Unloading At College - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: September 10, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 36 Read More…

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife’s infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. “I just can’t…

DAYTON, OH—Calling the first two “rough, but ultimately worth it,” local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding he wanted a third heart attack after all. “Why not? There’s still…

The Justice Department accused Russia of using unwitting right-wing influencers—including well-known personalities such as Tim Pool, Dave Rubin, and Benny Johnson—in its quest to amplify U.S. domestic divisions ahead of the 2024…