Vol 60: Issue 36

PUNTA GORDA, FL—Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand how the cartoon character on the screen in front of him could be such as…

LOS ANGELES—Praising the latest of the car’s bleeding-edge features that felt like they came from the future, Cybertruck owner Anselm Hart bragged to friends Monday about its high-tech pedal that makes the vehicle accelerate when pressed.…

CINCINNATI—In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering a key witness with a pillow. Sources confirmed that as…

WASHINGTON—Saying that she was probably just bloated from the milkshake, grilled cheese, and deep-fried Oreos her running mate had ordered them both for breakfast, Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris struggled to button her…

Slavery reparations bill H.R. 40, named after the unfulfilled Civil War promise of “40 acres and a mule,” has been introduced in every congressional session since 1989. The Onion examines the pros and cons of reparations for Black…

Hunter Biden pleaded guilty to federal tax charges, a surprise move that spares President Joe Biden and his family the ordeal of another likely criminal trial. What do you think? “I bet he wishes he had some powerful government…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Growing increasingly alarmed as she stared at her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s upcoming 2024 schedule, a horrified Taylor Swift reportedly realized for the first time Friday that football happens every year. “So football…that’s…

PLAINS, GA—Opening his eyes to find an empty room eerily devoid of any sounds, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly awoke Friday to learn that he had seemingly outlived every single person in America. “Hello? Is anybody there? Can…

Venezuela’s authoritarian leader Nicolás Maduro decreed that Christmas will start Oct. 1 in the country, the announcement coming as Venezuela grapples with the fallout from a July presidential election that saw Maduro claim a third term…

Despite its looming U.S. ban, TikTok continues to grow in popularity, with over 1 billion active monthly users across the globe. The Onion shares tips for growing your follower count on the social media platform. Stay on…