Vol 60: Issue 37

The percentage of Black students in Harvard University’s freshman class dropped by more than a fifth following a landmark U.S. Supreme Court ruling that barred colleges from using race as a factor in admissions. What do you think?…

MOSCOW—Explaining that Russia’s patience on the matter had finally reached a breaking point, officials in Moscow confirmed Friday they had expelled six British diplomats who would not shut up about Doctor Who. “London must realize that…

FOSTORIA, OH—Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports of Haitian immigrants in the state eating vegetables. “All this I’m hearing…

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that a common yellow food dye can make skin, muscle, and connective tissues temporarily transparent in mice, with scientists able to see blood vessels in the rodent’s brain after smearing…

Ultra-processed foods are a category of foods that includes frozen pizzas, sodas, and sweetened breakfast cereals. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding ultra-processed foods. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods contain…

CLEVELAND—Covering the Browns vs. Cowboys game for his highly anticipated Fox Sports broadcasting debut, Tom Brady provided a detailed analysis Sunday of how easy it would be for him to take Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott’s job. “As…

CINCINNATI—Wincing at the sound of the two palms coming into contact with each other, the Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff reportedly held its breath Sunday after Joe Burrow endured a rough high-five from a teammate. “Oof, that looked like…