Vol 60: Issue 38

NEW YORK—Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that it is now allowing viewers to simulcast up to four domestic violence…

YouTuber MrBeast is accused of creating unsafe employment conditions, including sexual harassment and misrepresenting contestants’ odds at winning his new Amazon reality show’s $5 million grand prize, in a lawsuit filed by five unnamed…

The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than three months. The Onion examines ways the agency can boost Trump’s…

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Discussing the Second Amendment with Oprah Winfrey at a Michigan town hall last night, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted she may have gotten too comfortable when she remarked that any home intruders, burglars,…

RALEIGH, NC—In the wake of an explosive report that revealed several controversial posts the lieutenant governor had made years ago on a pornographic website, North Carolina voters across the state told reporters Friday that they had…

WASHINGTON—Troubled by the potential political fallout from the North Carolina gubernatorial candidate’s scandal, the American Black Nazi Party was reportedly worried Friday that Mark Robinson could hurt its other candidates down the…

AFTON, WI—Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy’s surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. “Damn, she’s got hay in all the right places, don’t she?” area man Jim…

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL—Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the sound of earth’s residents stomping around overhead. “It’s just…

ÖLAND, SWEDEN—Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn’t want any pagan sacrifices this autumn equinox. “I know you think this is just me being self-effacing, but I…

Sean “Diddy” Combs faces federal sex trafficking and racketeering charges in a newly unsealed indictment that claims he hit and abused women for over a decade while presiding over a sordid empire of sexual crimes. What do you think?…