Vol 60: Issue 38

WHIPPANY, NJ—Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient’s eggs to scare away sperm. “This FDA-approved…

MILWAUKEE—Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor…

Former President Donald Trump is safe following what appears to be an attempted assassination while playing golf, occurring two months after another attempt on his life at a rally in Pennsylvania. What do you think? “I didn’t…

ATHENS, OH—A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who grew up in this country. “I could have been the one out there…

MALIBU, CA—Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential…

LOS ANGELES—Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman’s agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers of the television pilot he auditioned for had chosen to go with a dog…

PALM BEACH, FL—Hoping to boost sales of her new book, Melania Trump announced Tuesday that the first 1,000 people to preorder her memoir Melania would see her face in their dreams until they die. “I am so excited to be sharing my story, and…

TOLEDO, OH—Saying the man’s hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn’t really articulating a cohesive reason as to why the guy who cut him…

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of the second attempt on Donald Trump’s life in the past three months, sources confirmed Monday that the man who allegedly attempted to shoot the 45th president of the United States, Ryan Wesley Routh, was…

PHOENIX—Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump took to the campaign trail Monday to warn that those in the country illegally were taking all the good vanity plates. “Every day,…