Vol 60: Issue 39

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has been indicted on five federal charges related to bribery, wire fraud, conspiracy, and soliciting campaign contributions from foreign nationals, with the unsealed indictment alleging illegal actions…

SI RACHA, THAILAND—Expressing concern over how long the joy ride would last, internet phenom and zoo resident Moo Deng told reporters Friday she was worried a chubbier, feistier pygmy hippo was coming to take this all away. “I’ve sacrificed…

The wrinkle-reducing treatment Botox is the most popular nonsurgical cosmetic procedure in the world. The Onion debunks some of the most common myths surrounding the injectable. MYTH: Botox makes patients’ faces look frozen. FACT: The…

ARLINGTON, VA—Admitting they had not been keeping up on recent news about the venerable British actress, PBS officials told reporters Friday that they already had a Maggie Smith–themed marathon planned for today. “Yes, we have been…

A Pennsylvania health care system agreed to pay $65 million to victims of a ransomware attack after hackers posted nude photos of cancer patients online, the largest settlement of its kind in terms of per-patient compensation for victims of…

SAN ANTONIO—Breezing past security in the guise of a musician and entering the ballroom where his target was attending a cocktail party, area hit man Don Meston reportedly opened a guitar case Friday in which he had concealed the guitar he…

BAKERSFIELD, VT—Having proclaimed the word of the Lord Almighty before a humble, trembling man, the Archangel Michael reportedly hung around after delivering the divine message Friday in hopes of receiving a tip. “So was everything okay…

WALKER, MI—Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him…

NEW YORK—Erratically waving a pistol as he declared himself a mayor with nothing left to lose, a panicked Eric Adams took multiple hostages Thursday at New York City Hall, according to reports from inside the building. “I don’t want to hurt…

The state of Missouri executed Marcellus Williams shortly after the U.S. Supreme Court rejected a request for a delay, forging ahead despite forensics experts determining that he was not the source of DNA found on the knife used in the…