Vol 60: Issue 39

This week marks Banned Books Week, an annual effort promoted by the American Library Association to bring awareness to literary censorship. In recognition of the event, The Onion takes a look at the history of book bans in the United…

Food Used As Napkin - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number.…

MANCHESTER, NH—Posing in his pajamas as his proud mother took a photo to capture the momentous occasion, local man Frederico Torres became the first person in his family to go to bed, sources confirmed Thursday. “When my family first came…

HARTFORD, CT—Telling her to close her eyes and turn inward as he gently guided her positioning, local yoga teacher Vincent Diaz reportedly placed his hand on the small of student Ellie Cruz’s back Thursday, but in the parking lot. “It’s…

The Food and Drug Administration authorized at-home use of the nasal spray vaccine FluMist, opening the door for needle-shy people to access the potentially life-saving inoculation with a prescription. What do you think? “But I need…

ROME—In a discovery shedding light on the earliest days of God’s only son, biblical scholars revealed Wednesday that Mary stole the idea for Jesus’ baby name from her best friend. “According to some newly unearthed records from the time, we…

WASHINGTON—After paramedics used a scalpel to open an airway and keep him from asphyxiating en route to the hospital, President Joe Biden was reportedly rushed into surgery at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Wednesday to…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Delighting in the opportunity to make use of the tool he carried with him everywhere, local father Kevin Ballard reportedly insisted on using his pocketknife Wednesday to open a can of chili. “Hang on, there’s no need to go…

Woman Reaches Arm Deep Into Purse Like Farmer Artificially Inseminating Cow - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of…

Three Mile Island, the scene of the worst commercial nuclear accident in U.S. history, will reopen to power Microsoft’s data centers, which are responsible for powering the tech giant’s cloud computing and artificial intelligence programs.…