Vol 60: Issue 39

CONCORD, NH—Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other’s closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies were just standing around in the yard listing the smoke points of…

READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun…

PARK CITY, UT— Assuring himself that the most important thing to do in the present was to try to get his full eight hours of sleep, area man Greg Pappas, who was experiencing insomnia Monday night, reminded himself there would be plenty of…

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing frustration with the writer’s ambiguous imagery and nonlinear writing style, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear what the fuck the poet they were reading was on about. “He keeps describing the ‘bright…

A 60-year-old woman received third-degree burns while walking her dog off-trail in Yellowstone National Park thermal area, the incident occurring when she broke through a thin crust above “scalding water.” What do you think? “This…

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Said to be “glowing” as it garnered heaps of praise from stunned guests and event staff alike, the cake served following the wedding ceremony of a local couple Josh Tibbs and Cindy Blevins received more compliments than the…

DALLAS—Facing serious consequences for multiple violations of the league’s HR guidelines, local NFL referee Greg Clancy reportedly came under fire this weekend for watching pornography on his work instant replay device. “Unfortunately, Mr.…