Vol 60: Issue 40

An 81-year-old man will soon be sentenced in federal court after he pleaded guilty to creating an illegal hybrid sheep breed he called the “Montana Mountain King,” for the purpose of trophy hunting on his ranch. What do you think? …

Throughout its venerable 268-year reign, The Onion has always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution’s highly respected…

RICHARDSON, TX—In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly spent class Wednesday teaching male students how to cheat on their pregnant…

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Following the conclusion of her 18-month hiatus from music, pop star Sabrina Carpenter confirmed Wednesday that she had completed her mandatory South Korean military service. “It was the honor of a lifetime to do my…

BOULDER, CO—Emphasizing that he was primarily focused on running the football team, head coach Deion Sanders admitted to reporters Wednesday that he has absolutely zero idea what school the Colorado Buffaloes play for. “Look, my job is to…

NEW YORK—Cursing under his breath at yet another round of inapt debate answers from the vice presidential candidate, venture capitalist Peter Thiel reportedly rushed onstage Tuesday to restart a glitching J.D. Vance during a commercial…

NEW YORK—During Tuesday’s debate, Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance accused his opponent, Tim Walz, of “cavorting with the ghost of Karl Marx beneath a blood-red moon,” an encounter Vance alleged to have seen with his own two…

NEW YORK—Refusing to back down despite repeated fact checks to the contrary, Sen. J.D. Vance claimed during Tuesday’s vice presidential debate that Haitian immigrants were coming into this country to make him look stupid. “There are…

Norah O’Donnell To Candidates: ‘Tonight’s Debate Will Matter Just As Little As Both Of You’ - The Onion Share Published: October 1, 2024 Advertising…

A decade after its discovery in the Taklamakan Desert, paleogeneticists in China have extracted and sequenced DNA from cheese found in a Bronze Age grave. What do you think? “This is why you should never sequence DNA when you’re…