Vol 60: Issue 40

BURLINGTON, VT—Though the man is met with little more than polite smiles and indifferent nods as he brings his dog around from cubicle to cubicle, sources at Patterson Technologies confirmed Tuesday that employee Kyle Lutz thinks his…

NEW YORK—Sipping a fifth cup of coffee as the sun rose on the day of his big debate, Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz confirmed this morning he had stayed up all night making a shoe-box diorama of George Washington crossing…

TYLER, TX—Honing his brain imaging-form until sundown most nights, local high school quarterback Brendan Porter has reportedly used a tire swing this week to practice putting his head through a CT scanner. “With the big game coming up, I’m…

WASHINGTON—Gawking at the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Helene across much of the southeastern United States, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a statement Monday announcing, “Damn, that’s crazy.” “So much water,…

The Food and Drug Administration approved Bristol Myers Squibb’s highly anticipated schizophrenia drug, the first novel type of treatment for the debilitating, chronic mental disorder in more than seven decades. What do you think?…

Following price hikes made at Netflix and Max earlier this year, Disney will be increasing subscription costs for Hulu, ESPN+, and Disney+ beginning Oct. 17. The Onion shares tips for saving money on streaming. Instead of streaming…

Baby, I’m-A Haunt You - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: September 30, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 40 Read More…

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Staring down at the text message in horror and realizing that he had been brilliantly outplayed, local man Jonathan Garner told reporters Monday that his friend had set an inescapable social trap by proposing three…

ACTON, MA—Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. “Look at those rubes just inching along like a…