Vol 60: Issue 41

RICHMOND, VA—In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family’s group…

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. “Oh jeez, if I’d…

Former President Donald Trump suggested that migrants have “bad genes” while criticizing Vice President Kamala Harris for her policies on the southern border, claiming that many immigrants have a genetic predisposition for murder. What do…

LOUISVILLE, KY—In a wide-ranging conversation about the hardships and difficult choices her family had faced during the Great Depression, local grandmother Mary Sipple casually mentioned Tuesday that in August 1937 she took the life of a…

STOCKHOLM—In a ceremony at the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, the Nobel Committee reportedly awarded their annual prize in physics Tuesday to Zoomer and Zorbit, two aliens commonly seen driving a tie-dye Volkswagen bug while flashing…

KANSAS CITY, MO—In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs’ game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that 34-year-old tight end Travis Kelce had suffered a film-career-beginning injury.…

SPOKANE, WA—Saying anyone who could swing it would be doing him a “huge solid,” 38-year-old data entry clerk Darryl Bouchard reportedly asked his coworkers Monday if one of them could cover his weekend with his daughters. “Hey, guys, sorry…

PORTLAND, OR—Demonstrating an ability to uncover previously uncharted territories not seen since the Portuguese explorer circumnavigated the globe, 32-year-old Nate Sulzer, a modern-day Ferdinand Magellan, reportedly discovered new dining…

According to researchers, “gray divorce,” a term referring to divorce occurring at age 50 or older, is on the rise. Here is what to know about the increasing divorce rate among older American couples. Q: What makes gray divorce different…

My Way Or The Fairway - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: October 7, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 41 Read More…