Vol 60: Issue 42

Canine Breeding-Activists Firebomb Spay-And-Neuter Clinic - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: December 11, 2024 More News in Photos…

WASHINGTON—Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH–area…

ABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch a monster truck land on a smaller…

Pompous Geese Fly In Cursive V Formation - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: December 10, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

NEW YORK—Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly took time Monday to demonstrate to rookies how to properly break down…

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling it a “life-changing” opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. “Today,…

AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in…

NEW YORK—In a stunning end to the 40-year-old media personality’s rise to fame, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Monday that Hilaria Baldwin had been deported to Spain. Baldwin, who is set to star in a new reality series…

CINCINNATI—Lamenting that none of the team’s starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the…

Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrol’s primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think? “Luckily God…