Vol 60: Issue 42

The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do…

NEW YORK—Addressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. “I want to…

FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency. MYTH: FEMA…

With its current setting of 90 seconds to midnight, the symbolic Doomsday Clock used by atomic scientists indicates that we are, at this moment, as close as we have ever been to an imminent nuclear catastrophe. Clearly, now more than ever,…

PITTSBURGH—Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. “Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year…

PALM BEACH, FL—Claiming he had the most “beautiful and perfect” cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurements from his…

WASHINGTON—Offering the vice president a chance to gain the trust of voters skeptical about whether her policies would actually differ from those of the current administration, Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly challenged Kamala Harris…

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world’s Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. “It’s just…

Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as “medieval” and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think? “So should I just keep this baby now?” Libby…

DORADO, PUERTO RICO—In response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. “If…