Vol 60: Issue 42

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world’s Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. “It’s just…

Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as “medieval” and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think? “So should I just keep this baby now?” Libby…

DORADO, PUERTO RICO—In response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. “If…

PALM BEACH, FL—Outlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made a pledge Thursday to use an obscure 18th-century law to marry his daughter. “We’re moving full steam…

Trunk-or-treat events, an alternative to traditional door-to-door trick-or-treating, have increased in popularity as parents grow wary of letting their children stray. Here are tips for organizing your own community trunk-or-treat…

Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid a single white rose on her gravestone. Ava’s family members request that she come down from her…

BOSTON—Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an…

PROVIDENCE, RI—Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. “I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out…

NEW YORK—The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades’ Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN’s list of toughest arenas to play in this…

NEW YORK—With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion’s newly…