Vol 60: Issue 42

NEW YORK—Issuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davis’ commentary. “Adding a 30-second clock to…

Hurripain-In-The-Ass - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: October 15, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 42 Read More…

Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nation’s youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations…

CHICAGO—Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. …

An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had “significant blood alcohol content” during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the…

NEW YORK—Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids. “We really love this city and have had some of…

Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by…

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5…

WASHINGTON—Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space…

SPARTANBURG, SC—Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. “After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went…