Vol 60: Issue 42

CHICAGO—Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. …

An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had “significant blood alcohol content” during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the…

NEW YORK—Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids. “We really love this city and have had some of…

Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by…

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5…

WASHINGTON—Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space…

SPARTANBURG, SC—Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. “After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went…

CHICAGO—Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago’s residents. “Back home, we don’t have anything this massive, you…