Vol 60: Issue 43

BALTIMORE—In what astronomers called an alarming yet compelling observation, NASA officials announced Thursday the discovery of potential life on Mars after a giant eyeball in the middle of the planet looked directly into the James Webb…

CHICAGO—Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. “Seeing…

SALT LAKE CITY—Saying he had learned his lesson following his suspensions by the NBA for two incidents in which he brandished firearms, a reformed Ja Morant told reporters Wednesday that he was way more into swords now. “I did some…

JUPITER, FL—In a tragic incident that has left MAGA world reeling, 55-year-old television personality Kimberly Guilfoyle reportedly died Wednesday after attempting to remove her makeup. “Unfortunately, it appears the makeup was really the…

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, breast reduction surgery has surged, growing 64% from 2019 to 2023. Here is what you need to know about the increasingly common elective procedure. Q: Who is a good candidate for breast…

Cuba was plunged into a widespread, days-long power outage after its electrical grid repeatedly collapsed, sowing chaos as around 10 million people were left in the dark and underscoring the precarious state of the country’s infrastructure.…

This restored 1860s Victorian is haunted by a fanatically nudist ghost. Previous owners got sick of waking up in the middle of the night stark naked with their pajamas in a shredded pile at their feet. Don’t bother trying to get away with a…

SANTA FE, NM—Offering fans a tantalizing glimpse into what he’s been working on for nearly 15 years, bestselling author George R.R. Martin announced this week that he had written every “and” that would appear in his long-awaited novel The…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn’t focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn’t let politics distract him from the upcoming…

NEW YORK—Featuring nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a…