Vol 60: Issue 43

MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for…

ATLANTA—According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years. “While the general fertility rate has been…

The Sex Lives Of College Girls (Season 3), Max: The hit show is back to answer last season’s cliffhanger question, “Him? For real?” Hoarders: Extra Gross Edition, A&E: This spinoff still exploits mental illness, but with more crawling…

A funeral home in Poland apologized after a corpse that it was transporting fell out of a hearse and into traffic, issuing a statement taking responsibility for the incident and blaming a technical failure of the hearse. What do you think?…

Former President Trump has on multiple occasions praised Adolf Hitler according to John Kelly, his longest-serving White House chief of staff who, in a series of audio interviews, claimed Trump met the definition of a fascist and raised…

Studies have linked chronic loneliness with a variety of harmful health conditions, from cardiovascular disease to anxiety. The Onion takes a look at the key statistics behind what the surgeon general has described as a loneliness epidemic.…

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—In an effort to reach out to swing voters crucial to his reelection bid, former President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to soften his image Friday by distributing airbrushed JCPenney beauty shots of himself at a…

FAIRFAX, VA—Shaking his head as he rushed past yet another indecisive group laughing together at an obvious dead end, area man Justin Carter reflected Friday on how going with friends would have just slowed him down on his way through a…

Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries, his romantic partner, and a third man were arrested on charges of luring men into drug-laced, outlandish, and coercive sex parties by dangling the promise of modeling for the retailer’s…

CINCINNATI—Moments after he frantically nailed two-by-fours across the closed door of the bedroom he shares with his wife, vice presidential candidate JD Vance issued a dire warning Wednesday, alerting the public that millions of women may…