Vol 60: Issue 44

Former President Donald Trump said at his rally in Green Bay, WI that he would “protect” women “whether the women like it or not,” remarks that that risk losing him more support from female voters in the final stretch of his campaign. What…

Undeterred Yankees Fan Attempts To Wrestle World Series Trophy Away From Mookie Betts - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 1, 2024 More…

PALM BEACH, FL—Asserting that the pair had not been close “for decades” prior to the financier’s death, Donald Trump admitted Friday that his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein was severed after a dispute over dibs on the former president’s…

BRYANT POND, ME—Describing the moment as a “transformative experience” that inspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping. “One…

As designated by Congress in 1845, election day falls on the first Tuesday following the first Monday of November every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of making election day a federal holiday. PRO: Won’t have to waste PTO…

BERLIN—In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator’s last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising telegraph Hitler sent from the Führerbunker. “After unearthing the…

Elon Musk claimed that if Donald Trump puts him in charge of government efficiency, as planned, he can cut “at least $2 trillion” from the current federal budget, saying spending cuts imposed by the commission would “necessarily involve…

Las Vegas Unveils New Swim-Up Voting Booths - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 1, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

CLEVELAND—Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be a good time to get into dog fighting. “Before, my life was…

More than 250,000 Washington Post readers have canceled their subscriptions since the newspaper announced last week that it would not make an endorsement in the presidential race, with many arguing that owner Jeff Bezos made the decision to…