Vol 60: Issue 44

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to ensure only properly credentialed individuals are allowed to participate in the political franchise, a new law passed Thursday in Indiana requires all women voters to show their husband’s ID before they can be…

WASHINGTON—Desperately clawing at the door in an apparent attempt to get the attention of passing aides, President Joe Biden reportedly spent Thursday whimpering from inside a locked White House supply closet. Sources confirmed that while…

This Tuesday, millions of American citizens will exercise their right to vote. The Onion presents a historical timeline of how voting rights in the U.S. have developed. 1776: Framers grant voting rights to all their boys: Big Jeff, Mikey…

NORWICH, CT—Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. “Trick-or-treater, please!” said Jenkins, holding a…

DURHAM, NC—The sense of doom only dawning on the canine after the Disney princess dress had been pulled over his head, local dog Pickles reportedly looked at his owner Thursday the way a mafia don looks at a once-loyal consigliere who has…

MEHLVILLE, MO—Crossing her state’s eastern border into Illinois to find a more distant fire station, Missouri resident Eileen Fayette reportedly opted to surrender her baby in a Safe Haven Baby Box a couple towns over Wednesday so that it…

Actor Timothée Chalamet made a surprise appearance at his own lookalike contest in Lower Manhattan, an event that drew hundreds of contestants, though Chalamet himself did not participate. What do you think? “I don’t blame him for…

Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe compared Puerto Rico to “a floating island of garbage” at former President Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally, drawing backlash from the Harris campaign, Puerto Rican celebrities, and some Republicans. What do you…

POCATELLO, ID—Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad’s gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your…

Georgia father Colin Gray is facing 29 charges for his role in the mass shooting carried out by his son, which follows Michigan’s dual conviction of parents James and Jennifer Crumbley earlier this year. The Onion examines the pros and cons…