Vol 60: Issue 45

MALIBU, CA—Insisting that situations such as this compelled the federal government to act immediately, former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters Monday that he was demanding Secret Service protection after finding a…

PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts…

GREEN BAY, WI—Completely ignoring a tackle for loss on the field, Fox Sports NFL announcer Tom Brady began to break down exactly why the jiu jitsu instructor now dating his ex-wife would never be able to please her. “Just…

Stars And Strips - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: November 4, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 45 Read More…

ATLANTA—Holding their hands up to their mouths and giggling as their eyes darted from side to side, the nation’s impish swing voters announced Monday that they had a little surprise in store for everyone. “Tee-hee-hee! You’d like to know…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Forging an unlikely alliance with the “dorky” team statistician, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly enlisted a nerd Monday to help him pass NFL concussion protocol. “I can do all the physical…

ATLANTA—As part of a public campaign to prevent the state’s residents from being turned away at the polls, Georgia officials reminded voters Thursday that they would need to bring two forms of weapon to their voting place in order to…

Poll Watcher Slaps ‘I Voted Sticker’ On Bump Stock - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 4, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Polling Place Boosts Attendance With ’80s Night - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 4, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

American voters are approaching the 2024 presidential election with deep unease about what could follow, including the potential for political violence, attempts to overturn the election results, and its broader implications for democracy.…