Vol 60: Issue 45

WASHINGTON—In a historic outcome that promised to halt the rising scourge of the United States in its tracks, America has defeated America at the ballot box, sources confirmed Wednesday. “After 248 years of tense and often divisive…

WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an…

PALM BEACH, FL—In a five-minute phone call that both campaigns described as largely cordial, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly called Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday morning to congratulate himself on winning. “Madame Vice…

A Russian court has demanded Google pay $20 decillion—or 20 followed by 33 zeros—for restricting Russian state media channels on YouTube, a sum so unfathomably large that it dwarfs the size of the entire global economy. What do you think?…

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on…

WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife’s election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources…

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000…

PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. “I can’t deal with all this election…

CNN Touchscreen Map Already Covered In Peanut Butter - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 5, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What do you think? “I’m technically still waiting in line to vote in…