Vol 60: Issue 46

SULPHUR, OK—In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday…

LOS ANGELES—Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man. “I knew I had to take drastic…

ARLINGTON, VA—In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an emergency press conference at which she issued a stark warning to the nation, panicked Pottery Barn president Monica Bhargava announced Friday that the home furnishing chain had lost control of the wicker. “We long…

NEW YORK—In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced Thursday that she had donated $5 million to help end Travis Kelce hunger. “It’s…

Girlfriend Likes Part When MMA Fighters Hug - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 27, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris will reopen to the public five years after a devastating fire, with the bells ringing out for the first time since 2019. What do you think? “It was more eye-catching when it was on fire.” Scott Polomo,…

President-elect Donald Trump has announced that campaign co-chair Susie Wiles will serve as his White House chief of staff. The Onion takes a look at the political strategist’s background and credentials. Favorite Meeting Time: 10:45…

ANAHEIM, CA—Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters Friday that her Disney wedding would be kid-free. “Josh and I are…

The Office star John Krasinski received the title of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024, taking the mantle from last year’s honoree Patrick Dempsey. What do you think? “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. He still needs to…