Vol 60: Issue 46

CLEVELAND—Stalled in a panic after his planned rampage hit an unexpected snag, area office shooter Zachary Carter was reportedly too grossed out Friday to kick down the door of his workplace’s lactation room. “Oh God, yuck—I feel like I can…

WASHINGTON—Responding with visible exhaustion as the tech entrepreneur mentioned yet another of what he considered must-play titles, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly nodded vacantly Friday after Elon Musk rattled off his 10th…

Women across the country are seeking out abortion medication at a rate 17 times higher than usual ahead of Donald Trump’s second term, fearing his administration could severely curtail access to reproductive care. What do you think?…

MINNEAPOLIS—Grabbing their pom-poms before heading out to pump up the crowd, several WNBA players confirmed Thursday that they have been forced to supplement their incomes during the offseason by cheerleading for NBA teams. “With the season…

Orgasm Pretty Good - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 13, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The…

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that he treated the 20-year-old the same as any other rookie, Lakers power forward LeBron James denied Wednesday that his son Bronny received preferential treatment when he lifted him up to dunk. “Yes, he’s my…

BOULDER, CO—After he single-handedly transformed what was once a humble get-together into a full-on rager, bystanders reported Wednesday that double-jointed man Greg Thiede has blown the fucking roof off the party by doing weird things with…

Toy manufacturer Mattel said it deeply regretted an error on the packaging of its Wicked movie-themed dolls, which mistakenly linked toy buyers to a pornographic website. What do you think? “Doll porn or regular?” Ryan Brister,…

OKLAHOMA CITY—In an effort to provide all developing fetuses in the state with a thorough grounding in Judeo-Christian values, a new bill was signed into law Tuesday that requires the Ten Commandments to be displayed in every womb in…

Buying clothing you’ll enjoy and own long-term can reduce the amount that ends up in landfills. Here are tips for finding your personal style: Use color analysis to determine if you’re a winter, spring, summer, or climate apocalypse. Put…