Vol 60: Issue 46

BOULDER, CO—After he single-handedly transformed what was once a humble get-together into a full-on rager, bystanders reported Wednesday that double-jointed man Greg Thiede has blown the fucking roof off the party by doing weird things with…

Toy manufacturer Mattel said it deeply regretted an error on the packaging of its Wicked movie-themed dolls, which mistakenly linked toy buyers to a pornographic website. What do you think? “Doll porn or regular?” Ryan Brister,…

OKLAHOMA CITY—In an effort to provide all developing fetuses in the state with a thorough grounding in Judeo-Christian values, a new bill was signed into law Tuesday that requires the Ten Commandments to be displayed in every womb in…

Buying clothing you’ll enjoy and own long-term can reduce the amount that ends up in landfills. Here are tips for finding your personal style: Use color analysis to determine if you’re a winter, spring, summer, or climate apocalypse. Put…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the emotional state can be a legitimate and even healthy reaction to certain stimuli, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University psychiatrists found that anxiety is a natural response to suited men wearing…

SEATTLE—Phasing into our reality with instructions for the new cooking technique, J. Kenji López-Alt returned from the Beef Dimension with a previously unknown sear method that was beyond human comprehension, sources confirmed Tuesday.…

The world’s first wooden satellite was launched into space in an early test of using timber in lunar and Mars exploration, with scientists studying whether the material might help reduce the creation of space junk. What do you think?…

CHARLESTON, SC—Retreating from the banquet table to deliberate the virtues of roundhouse kicks to the head and submission choke holds, a group of local gentlemen retired to the parlor to continue their discussion of a kickass UFC fight…

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. Gain their trust by agreeing with and reinforcing all of their negative self-talk. Remind your friend…