Vol 60: Issue 48

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Revealing that split ends have grown 50% stronger in just the past decade, a new study published Friday by researchers at the L’Oréal Academy warned that overuse of hair detangler was giving rise to new product-resistant…

Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 30, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Americans all across the nation are gathering today to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for? “That Moldova doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.” Bruce Sipiora, Ceramic Patcher “I’m…

WASHINGTON—Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely…

Manifest Dunce-ity - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: November 27, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 48 Read More…

WASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they’d had way too much of that…

Special Counsel Jack Smith requested that all federal charges be dropped against President-elect Trump over his alleged efforts to overturn the 2020 election, saying that he “stands fully behind” the allegations in the indictment but that…

PALM BEACH, FL—Sighing as he pulled on the head of a gargoyle while searching for a secret entrance to his old closet, Barron Trump reportedly returned home from college Tuesday to find his mother, Melania Trump, had converted his room into…

WASHINGTON—Participating in the annual tradition one last time before leaving office, President Joe Biden reportedly told a pardoned Thanksgiving turkey “You’re the Bonnie to my Clyde” on Monday before running off with it and disappearing…

Crypto billionaire Justin Sun, who spent $6.2 million on “Comedian”, a contemporary art piece of a single banana duct-taped to a wall, said that he will eat the banana, claiming it to be “part of this unique artistic experience, honoring…