Vol 60: Issue 48

BETHESDA, MD—Brightening the day of those least important to her, local man Amanda Langston told reporters Monday that she wasted her good mood on her coworkers. “I cannot believe I squandered this rush of happy feelings on my stupid…

THE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure…

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, has faced scrutiny over his claims on vaccines, fluoride, nutrition, and more. The Onion fact-checks Kennedy on health. Claim: Fluoride is…