Vol 60: Issue 49

PARIS—After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. “As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again,” said French…

South Korea’s President Yoon Suk Yeol faced parliamentary moves to impeach him after sending heavily armed forces into Seoul’s streets with his sudden declaration of martial law, harkening back to the country’s past dictatorships. What do…

Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares…

PALM BEACH, FL—Clearing their throats as the vice president-elect knocked on the door of the Mar-a-Lago conference room and poked his head inside, members of the presidential transition team reportedly rolled their eyes Friday and allowed…

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. “Just charge us full price, goddammit,” said Peter Nguyen, 43,…

LOS ANGELES—Drawing widespread condemnation from classics scholars around world, the new Odyssey adaptation The Return was criticized this week for dropping the original work’s group dance scene ending. “Homer’s decision to close his epic…

LOS ANGELES—Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers’ testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his decision Thursday in the resentencing of Lyle and Erik Menendez after learning that one brother…

Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealth’s insurance unit, was fatally shot outside a Midtown Manhattan hotel in what police described as a “brazen” targeted attack by a gunman lying in wait for him. What do you think? “Yet another…

SEATTLE—Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview Medical Center officials explained Thursday that they were sending area man Alex Leahy home with a loaner dad while his…

Elton John, singer famed for “Tiny Dancer” and “Rocket Man,” announced to a theater audience that he had lost his sight, risking his ability to record new music. What do you think? “It’s a good thing music is sounds.” Moe Birk,…