Vol 60: Issue 49

Take The Cannoli - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: December 4, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 49 Read More…

President-elect Donald Trump pledged to fulfill his campaign promise of removing millions of undocumented immigrants in a “record-setting deportation operation.” Here is the incoming administration’s plan for carrying out mass deportation.…

LOS ANGELES—Making his case that the story of Elphaba and Glinda was too big for one picture, director Jon M. Chu defended on Wednesday his decision to split his new film Wicked into 230,400 successive images. “Narratively speaking, it just…

WASHINGTON—With a half-whispered murmur of “Hey, hey, ho, ho, has got to ,” thousands of the nation’s mumblers marched on Washington Wednesday demanding something or other. “Obviously these people care enough to take to the streets in…

President Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, sparing him a possible prison sentence for federal felony gun and tax convictions and reversing his past promises not to use the powers of the presidency for the benefit of his family. What do…

NEW YORK—Watching in stunned silence as the almost 90-year-old Academy Award–winning actress aggressively pushed him to drop the price, local man Aaron Singerman confirmed Tuesday that he wasn’t expecting Dame Judi Dench to respond to his…

NEW YORK—Admitting they felt a reasonable level of certainty about the unfamiliar phrase after stumbling upon it on ESPN.com, the authors of a new report published Monday confirmed that “La Liga” probably means “The League.” “Huh, I’m not…

President-elect Donald Trump promised to abolish the U.S. Department of Education. The Onion examines the pros and cons of eliminating the federal agency. PRO: Paves way for bold new predatory loans CON: Without standardized testing,…

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Apologizing to fans and pledging to do better in the future, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers demonstrated impressive character this week by taking the blame for the parts of the game where the Jets were winning.…

SPARTA, OH—Noting that her desires were becoming increasingly less subtle, local man Tommy Hull confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Bess Glickstein, kept dropping hints about wanting a 17-hectare mausoleum complex. “We’ll be out to dinner…