Vol 60: Issue 50

CLEVELAND—In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. “Holy shit, they really just…

Taco Bell opened a new concept restaurant in San Diego called the Live Más Café, featuring a beverage-centric menu that includes milkshakes, coffees, fruity iced drinks and a take on a dirty soda trend with its trademark Mountain Dew Baja…

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by…

MOSCOW—Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Which one is better—one or two?” said the former…

Dollar General is testing same-day delivery to customers’ homes as the deep-discounter tries to fend off fiercer competition with Walmart. What do you think? “But Dollar General is where you go to be seen.” Theo Fulcher, Juice…

The Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after a stunning lightning-strike rout across the country. What do you think? “If he doesn’t learn to stand up for himself,…

Daze Of Whine And Poses - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: December 10, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 50 Read More…

DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my…

Bitcoin topped $100,000 for the first time as a massive rally in the world’s most popular cryptocurrency, largely accelerated by the election of Donald Trump, rolls on. What do you think? “I don’t trust any currency I can’t bury in…

President Joe Biden issued a “full and unconditional” pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty…