Vol 60: Issue 51

Despite a federal program designed to clear backlogs of DNA evidence from rape cases, state and local officials around the country chose not to test about 20% of kits and secured few convictions from those that were analyzed. What do you…

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech billionaire helped torpedo a bipartisan agreement on a short-term spending bill, a move made possible by the fact that the Constitution does…

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to…

Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia’s Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking…

First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think?…

Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee’s background.…

MILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend’s name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given…

MINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. “Nothing will stick—the…

CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his…

CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into…