Vol 60: Issue 52

The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by…

The United Kingdom indefinitely banned new prescriptions of puberty blockers to treat minors for gender dysphoria, with the announcement coming soon after the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving similar state bans on…

An unidentified disease with flu-like symptoms has killed dozens of people in the Democratic Republic of Congo, with unknown illness having led to the death of at least 79 people and sickened 376. What do you think? “Big deal, I’ve…

VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. “You can’t walk the colonnade…

A man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted living facility with a chainsaw, with officers attempting to tase the man before eventually firing after he continued trying to…

WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to…

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven…

LEAWOOD, KS—Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excited Travis Kelce reportedly surprised girlfriend Taylor Swift Wednesday by handing a wrapped, football-shaped gift to the…

CHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his…

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves. Have…