Vol 61: Issue 10

RANBURNE, AL—Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door declared Thursday that they’re plumb out of ideas. The townsfolk, who were spotted…

Following his Oval Office clash with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, President Donald Trump has paused military aid to Ukraine. The Onion fact-checks Trump on the Russia-Ukraine war. Claim: Zelensky never told the United States…

Though he stopped short of urging people to get the shot, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted vaccine critic, acknowledged the value of the measles vaccine amid a deadly outbreak in Texas. What do you think? “To be fair,…

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon volunteering at their local predator…

Sergeant-At-Arms Ejects Al Green After Repeated Warnings About His Race - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 5, 2025 More News in Photos…

WASHINGTON—Groaning with exhaustion and joint pain after their late bedtime last night, members of Congress were reportedly all groggy Wednesday after staying up past 8:30 p.m. for President Donald Trump’s address. “Oh God, I can’t believe…

WASHINGTON—Promising a glorious future marked by limitless prosperity for the East Asian nation, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision Tuesday night for a golden age of China. “Under my leadership, a prosperous new era of Chinese…

HOUSTON—After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris County Sheriff’s Office told reporters Thursday he had fallen in love with the…

NEW YORK—Astonished by the sheer volume of exhibition basketball knowledge that one person could possess, sources confirmed Monday that foreign man Deniz Büyükuncu knows an incredible amount about the Harlem Globetrotters. “He saw me…

LOS ANGELES—In the aftermath of a stunning trade that saw the point guard move from the Texas city to Los Angeles, a homesick Luka Doncic was reportedly spotted Wednesday gazing longingly at a photo of a barren Dallas office park. “Oh, to…