Vol 61: Issue 10

President Donald Trump’s 25% taxes on imports from Mexico and Canada went into effect today, the latest salvo in a North American trade war that may have already stoked inflation and impeded growth. What do you think? “It won’t…

Elon Musk Begins Cabinet Meeting By Putting Index Finger Through Fly Of Pants - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 4, 2025 More News in…

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant’s return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the…

FAIRFAX, VA—Calling the young students “the true enemy of gun rights,” the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an “F” rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. “This is our lowest rating, and it’s exactly what this radical group…

CHICAGO—Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority’s Clark and Division station reportedly rushed to an arriving train’s doors Friday like rat babies…

LOS ANGELES—Growing frustrated by the lack of variety in the couple’s romantic outings, Kylie Jenner told reporters Monday that she would like to go on one date with Timothée Chalamet that wasn’t an awards ceremony. “The awards circuit is…

LOS ANGELES—In a development that cast a shadow over the 97th Academy Awards, the filmmakers behind Best Picture winner Kissing The Martinet reportedly faced backlash Monday after fans learned the movie did not exist. “I can’t believe…

A New Hampshire woman was arrested after several years of allegedly urinating on items at a food co-op and posting videos of it online. What do you think? “Organic produce should only be covered in animal shit and piss.” Chip…

WASHINGTON—Declaring the utter lack of alcohol in the Pentagon kitchen to be a “national emergency,” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly deployed 3,000 troops American on a beer run Monday. “As of this morning, I have ordered our…

BELMONT, MA—His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday that he had recently been forced to seek out gentler and…